ilooseiwin

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature," "intelligent," "14 going on 45," and you possess "so much potential." Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, furthermore you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look . . . fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not," you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: Deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, two hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything . . . if you eat, all the control will be broken . . . do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect-skinned, white-teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow, you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out, but no one will listen. Who cares?!?!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone who tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely, Ana

Lunch: 1 powerking(fick de till 110kcal)+ 1laxfilee (ca.200kcal) + broccoli (ca.50kcal) + ailoi (ca.70kcal)

Mellanmål: 2 digistive kex( 132kcal) + 3 skivor brie ost (ca. 200kcal)


uttag: 20min jogg/gång (ca.-140kcal)

Summa hitills:1485-140=1345kcal

usch. måste lägga till: 3digistive kex (210kcal) + 3rutor marabou mint (ca.100kcal?) + 1dl vaniljyougurt (70kcal)

sammanlagt f träning: 1350 + 380= 1730!

e träning: 1730- 450=1280kcal

Middag: 1sub smörgås över och under del +bregott (230+ca70=300kcal)+ 4 skivor ost (ca. 100kcal)



Summa idag f träning: 1113+400=1513kcal

Summa efter träning: 1513 -330= 1183kcal



Ganska dålig dag egentligen., men bättre än de senaste dagarna iaf.Imorgon är de skola igen. Fan jag vill inte!

40min promenad till -170kcal där då.


804-170=635kalorier


Middag: 3 små kycklingbitar (ca. 200kcal) + 2,5 skivor haulomi (ca. 450kcal?)
Dåligt: En halv skål glass (ca. 500kcal)

Summa f träning: 1150+1036=2186...inte bra!

Summa e träning:2186- 402=1784..

Ojoj, misslyckande redan..


Frukost:  1smoothie på ca. 1dl yougurt (ca.60) 1dl mango (ca. 50) 1/2dl mjölk (ca. 35)

Mellanmål: 2 rostade mackor + bregott (ca, 300kcal)

sötsug( fan) : 1 HEL (500ml) ben &jerrys half baked (1150kcal!!)



Summa hittils: 1595kcal




Kunde inte stå emot suget efter b&j. Har mens så de kan ju vara en liten förklaring varför de var så starkt sug.. dock ingen ursäkt!



Lär bli kalas för E ikväll också.. minst +1000!! blää.

Mellanmål: 2skivor stek aubergine i olja, pressade bort de mesta av oljan, (ca. 100kcal) + en skiva polar pärlan vete (ca. 100) + bregott (70kcal) och 4skivor ost (ca.100kcal)


Summa Hela dagen: 725 +370=1095kcal

Fan undrar hur den här dagen kmr sluta egentligen..

Måste bara få berätta om min och mammas lilla dialog imorse som totalförstörde resten av min dag.

M: Hur mycket väger du?
J: ehm.. typ 61kg.
M: ahha, och jag väger 62kg.
J: mmh, vadåra?
M: När jag åker utomlands om två veckor så måste jag vara smalare än dig.
J: varför de?
M: jag måste ju visa mig i bikini!


Jaa.. vad ska man säga. Jag höll på att börja gråta. De kan ju liksom bara betyda en enda sak. Hon tycket att jag är tjock och hon skulle aldrig visa sig i bikini om hon såg ut som jag gör nu.


iallafall. var nyss ute och gick. Blev endast en kort promenad då jag hade tjock vinterjacka påmig och de var väääldigt vårigt och varmt ute.

Promenad: 60min (ca -250kcal)